tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-74249849635587900662023-11-15T10:02:17.989-05:00Psychologically MindedThoughts, Book Reviews, and Advice from a psychological perspectiveKimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-72853891768070834472013-06-26T12:56:00.001-04:002013-06-26T12:56:52.990-04:00"Politics" are PersonalToday was a day of landmark decisions by the Supreme Court related to marriage equality. Many people will focus on what this means for civil rights, legal arguments in states that do not yet allow same sex marriage, and the change of definition for "traditional marriage." All of these aspects are great for debate and intellectual discourse, but they don't tell us much about the impact on actual humans. As I have said in previous posts, many of my clients are GLBTQ. In sessions, we often talk about the impact of laws that do not allow them to marry the people they love. They rejoice in the triumphs and sorrow in the losses. It is a real life lesson on how our legal system impacts real people with real lives and real families.<br />
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Laws are not just about acts that our society finds unacceptable. They often imply or flat out state that the person doing the action is also bad or unacceptable in some way. Can you imagine going through life believing that loving someone is bad? Now, most of my clients know logically that this is not true. They recognize that society's laws simply have not caught up with our recognition of changing morals and science. But what they feel and believe is a different matter. My gay clients come in feeling broken and beaten down by a world that finds them strange at best and abhorrent at worst. They hear pundits and "scientists" comparing their committed relationships to pedophilia and bestiality. They are told by lawmakers that their relationships are such a danger to society that they have to be outlawed by constitutional amendments and marriage bans. I can see the weight of these things on my clients, even when their rational lives show no signs of damage.<br />
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And what about the children who are raised in these loving and supportive relationships? They have been told that their parents are not valuable enough for society to recognize their relationship. And if their parents aren't valuable, then the children must be the same. When we devalue our children's parents we devalue our children!<br />
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I rejoice today. Not because a huge legal shift has occurred in our country. No, I rejoice because for my clients, who I have come to know, respect, and love as the amazing humans they are, our world is one small step closer to seeing their value. Our world is one step closer to recognizing their relationships as a valid way to love, one step closer to recognizing their children as offspring from a valid relationship. For me, "politics" are personal. Laws are personal. We are talking about the lives of real people changing, hopefully for the better and hopefully at a faster pace. I rejoice with my clients and for my clients. Because they have value and worth. Because they love.Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-29437003622037335642013-06-05T15:05:00.000-04:002013-06-05T15:05:02.521-04:00I Can't Believe I Ate the Whole ThingBecause of my specialty in eating disorders, I often get comments from family and friends about their eating habits. Anything goes, from "Well maybe you can help me stop eating then." to "What is an eating disorder anyway?" There is a lot of confusion out there about what is healthy eating vs. disordered eating vs. an eating disorder. And no wonder! With all the fad diets, liquid diets, starve yourself and then binge diets, and simple misrepresentation of the facts who wouldn't be confused. Combine the shame that can go along with some of the symptoms of an eating disorder and people simply don't want to talk about their problems. <br />
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Michael Polan, author of <em>Omnivore's Dilema</em> and <em>In Defense of Food</em>, may have the best description of a healthy diet. His mantra: "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants." Sounds simple enough but there are a lot of assumptions in those few small sentences. First his statements assume that we know what constitutes food, and if you've read his books it's pretty clear that a lot of folks are confused about real food. General trends have shown that the more we "understand" about nutrition the less healthy the American population has become. Why is this? It would seem that having more knowledge would increase our abilities to eat well. What has really happened though is that we have learned to create "food like substances" with all the nutrients of food made completely of chemicals. We have forgotten what a tomato looks like, much less tastes like. Our lives have become so busy that it is easier to grab a meal replacement bar or shake than to make a sandwich or, heaven forbid, an actual meal. When Polan says food, he means actual food that our grandmothers would recognize, not yogurt in a tube or protein in a candy bar. Secondly, his statment assumes that we know what "not too much" means. Part of the reason we are seeing such an epidemic of obesity and eating disorders in America is because we have lost track of what a portion really is. Most dieticians recommend 3-4 ounces of protein 2-3 times a day. Three to four ounces of protein is about the size of a deck of cards. When was the last time you ate a piece of meat that small? On the other hand, a portion of veggies or fruit is about half a cup, or the size of a tennis ball. Recommendations state 4-5 portions of fruit <strong><u>and</u></strong> 4-5 portions of veggies a day. If we ate this way, we would completely refocus our plate on fruits and vegetables rather than a giant slab of meat (which meets Polan's third statement). A serving of pasta is a cup, which would barely cover a small salad plate, much less the dinner plates most of us eat from. Considering, most of us probably eat a few pieces of bread with that pasta we are more than meeting the requirement for grains we need in a day. <br />
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So as you can tell, most Americans suffer from disordered eating. That simply means that we don't eat in a way that creates a healthy relationship with food or with our bodies. Most of us live in a state of unhappiness about the way we look and what we're eating. Most of us don't feel like we have to time or the energy to do anything about it. This is a far cry from someone who has an eating disorder. People with eating disorders are completely and totally consumed by thoughts of food and concerns about the way their bodies look. They believe that they way they look determines their value as a human being, that the food they eat tells others about the kind of person they are. They often participate in incredibly unhealthy and dangerous behaviors such as starving themselves or forcing themselves to vomit. Others eat such massive amounts of food that they become physically ill afterwards. For the most part, eating disorders are not about food or even weight. They are about asserting control over something in a world that feels uncontrollable, feeling worthless, and a variety of other <em>emotional</em> concerns that feel too difficult to deal with. People turn to food as a way to take control because it is something tangible, it's something "real" that they can manipulate. Emotions are hard to deal with and often times very scary. It's much easier to decide dairy products are the bad guys than to try to understand why you feel sad all the time.<br />
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I have a theory about why we have seen such an increase in eating disorders and unhealthy eating over the past couple of decades. I believe that we have completely lost touch with the process of eating. A salad is no longer a multi layered dish of ingredients that were carefully chosen from a grocery store or farmer's market. It comes in a plastic box at Wendy's with ingredients chosen based on cost effectiveness not nutritional value. Spaghetti sauce comes out of a jar and gets heated in five minutes. It is not a dish prepared from tomatoes, herbs, and spices that simmers all day while filling the house with amazing smells. Dinner time is most often had in the car on the way to an activity. It is an inconvenience that happens as we go to something more important. It is rarely an occasion in and of itself that involves family and friends connecting over food that they either grew or cooked themselves. One thing I encourage my clients with eating disorders to do is to visit the farmer's market and talk with the farmers about how the food was grown and the work it took to create their produce. This often gives someone new respect for food and it becomes less of an inconvenience and more of something to be appreciated and savored. Some even take it a step further and begin their own garden. How amazing would it be if we all gained a new respect for food? If we began seeing it as something that takes effort and has more importance in our lives than we currently admit? I think our concerns about health would change, and I know we would have a better relationship with food as a whole.Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-22717349967402928142012-05-09T11:54:00.001-04:002012-05-09T11:54:28.566-04:00Feeling Privileged and Why That's Not a Good ThingWhen I was in college at UNC, I read an article that had a profound effect on the way I view my life. Peggy McIntosh wrote about White Privilege. This is the idea that some of us have "an invisible package of unearned assets that [we] can count on cashing in each day." (p. 30*) McIntosh found that she had difficulty explaining this concept, even to people who were open to discussing issues of diversity. So she made a list of these privileges. I wanted to share a few of them to give you the idea and then share my own list that I have made recently.<br />
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1. I can, if I wish, arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time.<br />
2. I can be sure that my children will be given curricular materials that testify to the existence of their race.<br />
3. I can go into a bookshop and count of finding the writing of my race represented, into a supermarket and find the staple foods that fit with my cultural traditions, into a hairdresser's shop and find someone who can deal with my hair.<br />
4. I can talk with my mouth full and not have people put this down to my color. <br />
5. I can do well in a challenging situation without being called a credit to my race.<br />
6. I am never asked to speak for all the people of my racial group.<br />
7. I can easily buy posters, postcards, picture books, greeting cards, dolls, toys, and children's magazines featuring people of my race.<br />
8. I can take a job with an affirmative action employer without having my co-workers on the job suspect that I got it because of my race.<br />
9. I can choose blemish cover or bandages in "flesh" color and have them more or less match my skin.<br />
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These are just a sample of the 46 privileges that McIntosh came up with for herself. Most of these privileges are good things and should be extended to everyone. Having privilege is like playing baseball and automatically getting to start on second base. Or playing basketball and always getting to inbound the ball at half court. It's not that those things are bad, it's that they are not extended to everyone who is playing the game.<br />
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This article was brought to mind for me this morning because of a very big issue that has arisen in many states and finally became personal to me because it happened in my home state. Yesterday, North Carolina added their first amendment to their state constitution. But rather than protecting the rights of their citizens, this amendment took rights away. I have always avoided discussing political issues on my professional websites, blogs, and Facebook pages because of a fear of alienating potential and current clients. However, this has become more than a political issue for me. <br />
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Let me begin by saying that I am an ally for the gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender community. I work with members of this community in my practice on a daily basis and so many of them come to see me because of the overt and covert discrimination that they face on a daily basis. They come to see me because I am one of the few professionals who will advertise that I am an ally. They come to see me because it is one of the few safe places they have in their lives. So for me this has become a mental health issue that is impacting my clients, my colleagues, and my friends. <br />
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So, yesterday when my home state passed an amendment to their state constitution banning same sex marriage and declaring that the only union that would be legally recognized would be a marriage between one man and one woman, I became angry, sad, ashamed, and determined. I also have to recognize some level of feeling privileged and not in a good way. I recognize the impact votes like these in states so far from where I practice have on my GLBT clients. They are constantly aware of the atmosphere in this country and it creates a sense of fear and mistrust in their lives. So I decided to make my own list of privileges. Some of these are based on posts I saw from my friends on Facebook yesterday and today, some are based on things clients have said to me through the years, and some are based on just my own thoughts. I hope they give some people pause and cause them to think about how their beliefs impact others. But mostly, I hope it shows people who identify as GLBT that they do have allies and that we are aware of the lack of justice that is in our country right now.<br />
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Heterosexual Privileges:<br />
1. I can decide to marry the person that I love and be confident that my current state and any other state in which I choose to live will recognize my marriage as a legal union.<br />
2. I can hold hands with, kiss, and hug my partner in public without worrying about my safety or the safety of my partner.<br />
3. When I am out with my partner, other people do not stare at us trying to figure out if we are in a relationship.<br />
4. I can attend any church or religiously affiliated organization and not worry that they may not accept my life partner.<br />
5. No one questions whether my "lifestyle" is a choice. It is assumed that I was born straight.<br />
6. I never have to "come out" to anyone.<br />
7. I never have to fear that by coming out I might jeopardize my career, my family, or my safety.<br />
8. I never have to worry that my children will be rejected because of the sex of my partner.<br />
9. If I am ever hospitalized, I do not have to worry about whether my partner will be able to visit me, make medical decisions, or have medical information about me withheld. The same is true if my partner is hospitalized.<br />
10. In the event of my death, I have no fear that our children may not be raised by my partner. My partner does not have to fear this either.<br />
11. When I started dating my partner, I had no concern that my family and friends would disapprove of him simply because of his sex.<br />
12. Either me or my partner will always be able to sign permission slips for our children, make medical decisions about our children, and pick up our children from school and daycare. With no questions asked.<br />
13. I do not have to worry about being evicted from my home in the event that my partner dies, regardless of whose name is on the deed.<br />
14. I never have to worry about people trying to "save" me because of the sex of my partner.<br />
15. I do not have to worry about whether my family doctor, my OB/GYN, my therapist, my psychiatrist, or my pharmacist will disapprove of my "lifestyle" or if they might even deny me treatment.<br />
16. No one thinks about my sex life when they are introduced to my partner.<br />
17. No one has ever reacted to me with fear or disgust because of the person that I love.<br />
18. I can receive tax advantages for being married.<br />
19. I do not have to worry about having health insurance because my partner's insurance will automatically cover my health care and the health care of our children.<br />
20.. I have never been told that I am a sinner or that I will go to hell because of the person I love.<br />
21. No state has ever made a law or changed their constitution in an effort to deny my rights to marry.<br />
22. If I chose to do so, I could ignore all of these privileges and live my life in total denial that they even exist.<br />
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These are just a few quick things that I came up with in the 15 minutes that it took me to type the list. I'm sure there are more. I am also equally as sure that my GLBT clients are aware of these things everyday. Can you imagine living your life without these rights?<br />
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*"White Privilege and Male Privilege: A Personal Account of Coming to See Correspondences through Work in Women's Studies" by Peggy McIntosh. Published in: <em>Feminist Frontiers: 5th Edition</em> edited by Laurel Richardson, Verta Taylor, and Nancy Whittier.Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-79330175804935174152011-06-27T13:31:00.004-04:002011-06-27T13:54:32.381-04:00Being a Witness - What Our Soldiers Have Taught MeOver the past 6 months I've been doing assessments with veterans who are suffering from various psychological concerns. The most common by far is <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">PTSD</span> (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). This disorder occurs when someone experiences something so traumatic (war, rape, attempted murders, 9/11) that their brain just doesn't know how to cope with it. Symptoms include vivid nightmares, constant thoughts of the event/s, feeling as if the event were occurring in present time, attempts to avoid reminders of the event, use of drugs and alcohol to avoid thinking about the event, feeling as if you have no future, feeling detached from people and life in general, forgetting significant pieces of the event, and extreme anxiety when exposed to things that remind you of the event. People with <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">PTSD</span> often feel constantly on guard and edgy. They are often irritable and depressed, not to mention sleep deprived. Many of the veterans that I've been working with have been dealing with these symptoms for decades and feel like their lives have been destroyed. And who wouldn't?<br /><br />Can you imagine for even a moment witnessing people die horrific deaths and fearing that you could be next? On top of that experience, your brain then forces you to relive it in some way on an almost continual basis. It's a horrible way to live and makes holding a job, taking care of children, talking with a partner, and even getting out of bed impossible at times. Unfortunately, this isn't something we're likely to see any less of in the future. Our soldiers are being asked to risk their lives everyday and they are witnessing terrifying events. For the most part, we don't teach young men and women in their 20s how to cope with these situations. Why would we? Most of us never have to think about these issues, much less witness them.<br /><br />Before I started doing this work, I didn't give it much thought either. I knew about <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">PTSD</span> and I had seen the symptoms in the women I worked with who had been raped or abused. The fears of America's soldiers were never really on my radar. And yet some of the hardest stories I have had the honor of hearing, have come from these men and women. The level of terror we ask our soldiers to endure is breathtaking. I, as most of us probably do, look at military officers as being brave and strong, able to handle anything that comes at them. We forget that they are also human.<br /><br />It is that humanity that I have so connected with over the past few months. These veterans risked their lives so that Americans could feel safe. I have also learned that it doesn't take much to help the veterans either. After most of my appointments, the overwhelming response I get is gratitude for being willing to listen. Most of these men and women have never shared their experiences with anyone - they feel that no one wants to hear it or that admitting they were scared means they are weak. If even one soldier feels this way, we are failing our veterans. <br /><br />Being a witness to the fear and the horror has become my most important job. Working with these men and women has changed how I work with all of my clients. I have come to understand that most people simply want someone to acknowledge their pain and tell them they have every right to feel that way. I'm not suggesting that you sit down with your nearest soldier and start asking them about their experiences - you may hear some things that you truly aren't ready to learn. However, what you can do is help them find someone who is able to hear their story and support them in the healing process. Rather than letting them withdraw or push you away, offer your support and caring. Being a witness - it's the most rewarding thing I've had the honor of doing.Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-71456621355092012952011-05-13T15:44:00.002-04:002011-05-13T16:04:00.132-04:00Toning Shoes for Girls?!?I was signing into my personal email account the other day, when a news item caught my attention. Skechers Shape-Ups . . . for girls! Now these ridiculous shoes have already made it into the closets of many women, even though there is no evidence they follow through on the leg toning abilities they claim to offer. But really, do young girls really need to be concerned about how toned their legs are? the headline itself kind of got my blood boiling, but then I read the story. These shoes are being marketed primarily on child centered television. Skechers is also not offering an equivalent type of shoes to boys. Do boys not need strong legs? That is what Skechers claims they are offering in the statement they released in response to a petition to get the shoes off the market. They even compared these shoes to Michelle Obama and Jill Biden's Let's Move Initiative, saying the shoes are about being active. Um, no they're not. Tennis shoes are about being active. These shoes are about telling women and now girls, that nice legs are toned (and preferably tanned). In related news, the Today Show ran a piece this week about a mom in California giving Botox to her 8 year old daughter before pageants. What possible reason could an 8 year old have for needing Botox? <br /><br />These two stories have truly made me question what the future holds for little girls. I work with women everyday who loathe their bodies and can tell you exactly which parts are wrong. They have learned their worth is measured by how their outsides look, regardless of what that does to their insides. And these women did not grow up with anywhere near the amount of pressure young girls experience today. I am not advocating that these products be removed from the market (well, except maybe the child Botox), but I am advocating that parents become smart consumers and that they teach their children to do the same. One of my favorite things to do with younger clients struggling with eating and body image is to look through the fashion magazines with a critical eye. Talk about the photo shopping, hours of hair and make-up, and unrealistic expectations being placed on the models. Talk about whether all of that sounds healthy. Educate them on what is realistic and what is simply Hollywood magic. Our children are smarter than we think they are sometimes. Some of these young women that I work with understand the pressure in those glossy pages better than I ever have. Understanding it doesn't always mean that they can fight it though and sometimes that pressure gets the best of them. The ones who move through that and go on to feel proud of themselves for the size of their heart or brain rather than the size of their jeans, have parents who teach them that looks are not the key to success. Wearing the right makeup or making frown lines disappear will not make you feel good about yourself. And who knows, maybe if more of us felt that way, these products would disappear on their own. We can always hope.Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-11550569376628748312011-03-30T11:16:00.002-04:002011-03-30T12:34:38.871-04:00Is this an Eating Disorder?Because of my specialty in Eating Disorders, my family and friends are constantly telling me about the bizarre diet and exercise habits of someone. Whether it's the person who's at the gym constantly or the one who will only eat wheat toast, (with no butter!) for breakfast, the common question is, "Is that normal?" Let me tell you, that's a tough question to answer. In reality, what my family member or friend usually means is, "Should I be worried that this person has an eating disorder?" Also not an easy question to answer based on one odd behavior or eating habit. An eating disorder is a culmination of several behaviors based on a central fear of fat or being fat. For example, I happen to be one of those people who doesn't like my food to touch. Does that mean I have an eating disorder? Absolutely not! I love food too much for that, but that might be the topic for a different blog. Is it a somewhat disordered way to eat? Definitely. Does that mean you should ignore when your formerly cheeseburger loving friend suddenly becomes a vegan? No it <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">doesnt</span>, but it also isn't enough to diagnose them with Anorexia. Eating disorders are complex disorders consisting of both specific thoughts combined with a myriad of behaviors on a spectrum from things we all do that might be a little weird with food to rigid rules about the method and specific food that can or cannot be eaten. Which <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">paritally</span> explains why the "is this normal" question is so difficult. Making a judgment on what is or is not normal based on one odd behavior is extremely difficult. A clinician uses all of the data gathered in an initial meeting that lasts about an hour to make a decision about an appropriate diagnosis - and even then it is difficult. A 5 minute description of your friend who will only eat ham sandwiches cut in the shape of stars for lunch, does not provide the level or amount of information needed to know if that is a behavior to be concerned about. Now if that friend also refuses to eat entire food groups, constantly pinches invisible fat around her waistline, and spends two hours a day exercising, my red flags start waving. So to make a long explanation a little shorter, if you are concerned about one of your friends or a family member never hesitate to contact a professional who specializes in eating disorders. And, talking to your friend or family member may help them to take the sometimes scary step of seeking help. If that family member happens to be your child, as a parent you have to right, and I might add responsibility, to find the help that child needs to move past these symptoms before they become a way of life. <a href="http://www.edreferral.com/">www.edreferral.com</a> is a great site for finding referrals in your area. This is a site that only includes professionals who specialize in working with eating disorders.Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-61622020519912342892011-02-01T13:14:00.000-05:002011-02-01T15:40:29.363-05:00Unbreakable Bonds<em>"At a very young age, the trainers capture young elephants in the wild and bring them to a forest camp. One of their feet is bound with a chain so large that there is no possibility of escape. For a while, the young animals struggle to free themselves, but very quickly learn that it is futile and stop trying. They eventually grow accustomed to being bound and to the presence of the trainer.<br /><br />As the elephant grows, the trainers exchange the large chains for small ropes. Although they are now held only by a small strand that could easily be broken, the elephants never try to escape. Why? They believe that they can’t. In their mind, they believe they are still bound by unbreakable bonds and that struggling is useless. Although the real barrier has been taken away, it is as real as if it were still in place. For the elephants, freedom is literally a gentle tug away, but it might as well be on the other side of the universe." - from a recent email, no author given</em><br /><br />For many, February has become a month synonymous with love and all things cupid. It's a time when Hallmark and every flower and candy shop tell us that true love is celebrated with cards, roses, and chocolate. When I was in college, February 14 came to represent something very different for me. I was a part of a group called the Carolina V-Day Initiative. The goal of this group was to support community organizations that focused on ending violence towards women. So why Valentine's Day? And what on earth could this have to do with elephants? I'm getting there . . .really.<br /><br />Bur first, a little history. There are many legends surrounding the date and name for Valentine's Day. Most concur that the name was chosen to commemorate a priest who performed secret marriages when Emperor Claudius II outlawed marriage for young men in the third century. So that's why this is a celebration of love. But what about the date? Most scholars believe that the date was chosen by Catholic priests to align with a pre-Christian Roman celebration of fertility. This celebration was held on the Ides of February or February 15. So there you have it, a holiday about love and lust celebrated in February, and it's made Hallmark billions.<br /><br />So why the scorn in my tone? Isn't celebrating love a good thing? I would say, absolutely! As long as we're celebrating real, healthy love. The unfortunate truth is that 1 of every 3 women in the world will be the victim of violence, both physical and sexual. Statistics also show that 3 in 4 of these women are victimized by people they know and often love. So what kind of love are we celebrating? Until 1975, all 50 states in the US had a spousal exemption in their rape laws, meaning it was legally impossible for rape to occur in marriage. It took 20 years for all 50 states to remove this exception, and even now most states charge the offending spouse with a charge less than rape. Is that what love is? Just a few weeks ago, Congressman Chris Smith introduced a bill to change the definition of rape in abortion laws to "forcible rape." This definition would not include rape in which drugs or fear were used as coercion and an already difficult topic would become impossible. Whether you support a woman's right to chose or not, this redefining of rape is frightening.<br /><br />In college, I was horrified when I learned these statistics, which led to my involvement in V-Day. This group empowered women around the world to say enough is enough, it's time for the violence to stop. As part of this organization, we staged two performances of Eve Ensler's <em>The Vagina Monologues</em>. I remember being awed by the response. People lined up starting at noon the day of the show to get tickets for a 7 o'clock performance - on Valentine's Day! Seven college age women came together and made a difference in our community. It was amazing! And filled me with such hope. I began to feel that people really did care about these issues.<br /><br />That was almost 10 years ago now. I've been "back in the real world" long enough to realize that activism on college campuses is much different than activism in the rest of the world. I've heard so many times in response to stories about abused women who are killed by their partners or who kill their partners, "Why didn't she just leave? If my husband ever touched me like that I would leave." And you know, most people in these circumstances would leave. But for some women the idea of leaving wouldn't even come to them. They are like the elephants in the email I received. They have been bound with the unbreakable bonds of fear for so long, they don't even know what options they have. Abuse doesn't start out like an explosion. It's more like a slow leak, where the air is slowly released until you realize your tire is flat and you don't have a spare. You're trapped. Men who abuse don't start out beating their wives - no one would stick around for that. Men who abuse start small, isolating women from their friends with their jealousy, slowly taking over the finances of the family, convincing the woman that her place is at home.<br /><br />Some of these things start off as "cute." Women often see jealousy as a sign of how much their partner loves them. Many women were raised in a family where the male dealt with the finances. These things can seem normal, until they're not, and the woman finds that she has lost all of her support, both emotionally and financially, and doesn't even have an excuse to leave the house anymore. Freedom might as well be on the other side of the universe. That's why for me, Valentine's Day may be a day to celebrate love, but it is also a day to remember that we have a long way to go in making sure every woman and girl experiences true love.<br /><br /><em>V-Day is an organized response against violence toward women.<br /><br />V-Day is a vision: We see a world where women live safely and freely.<br /><br />V-Day is a demand: Rape, incest, battery, genital mutilation and sexual slavery must end now.<br /><br />V-Day is a spirit: We believe women should spend their lives creating and thriving rather than surviving or recovering from terrible atrocities.<br /><br />V-Day is a catalyst: By raising money and consciousness, it will unify and strengthen existing anti-violence efforts. Triggering far-reaching awareness, it will lay the groundwork for new educational, protective, and legislative endeavors throughout the world.<br /><br />V-Day is a process: We will work as long as it takes. We will not stop until the violence stops.<br /><br />V-Day is a day. We proclaim Valentine's Day as V-Day, to celebrate women and end the violence.<br /><br />V-Day is a fierce, wild, unstoppable movement and community. Join us!</em>Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-35181775393706178412010-11-08T16:27:00.004-05:002010-11-15T19:59:01.634-05:00Surviving ThanksgivingFor most people, Thanksgiving is a time of celebrating the things that we are thankful for, be it family, friends, or just lots of football. It is also a time where binge eating is the norm. The expectation is that we will all eat ourselves into a coma and feel full for a week. For most of us this is fine. We bounce back from this binge and go about our everyday lives. For someone who has struggled with an eating disorder, this is a nightmare. Someone who restricts their food intake sees nothing but a day of avoiding all the sights, smells, and meals of the day and someone who binges feels like their dirty little secret has been discovered and will spend the day looking for ways to compensate. How can someone who has struggled for so long to eat in a healthy way participate in such an unhealthy style of eating? Can Thanksgiving become something more than just a day to stuff ourselves on turkey and pumpkin pie? I thought I'd put out some ideas for folks who need some grounding during this holiday, whether recovering from an eating disorder or not. <br /><br />Firstly, let's all take a step back and try to remember that Thanksgiving is about giving thanks (it's in the name of the holiday) and not about how many pumpkin pies you can eat. Allow yourself to be thankful for the people who prepared the food and the hard work that went into the planning for this meal. Make every attempt to enjoy the company of those you care about. For people who have struggled with an eating disorder, this might be the first holiday you've experienced where you could actually allow yourself to enjoy the food, and that truly is something to be thankful for. It will also most likely be difficult and you may struggle. That's fine. Get your support system lined up before the holiday rolls around and you'll be able to handle those stumbles. <br /><br />Also, rather than gobbling up all the turkey within arm's reach, take a few minutes to savor the food. Make an attempt to eat more slowly and truly taste the flavors. Many families save these "special" foods for the holiday season, so take the time to actually taste it. If you're feeling really rebellious, make the decision to have these foods more than once a year. That can often take away the urge to overeat these "special" treats. If you have struggled with restricting it will most likely be scary to participate in a holiday where everyone else goes back for seconds and more. Work hard not to compare your plate to that of others. This is good food, and you deserve to enjoy it!<br /><br />Now this last bit might be touchy for some of you. Some people love Thanksgiving because they get to spend time with family they don't see often. Others dread it for this very same reason. It can be difficult to be around family members that you may have been avoiding since last Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, there is no easy solution for this. If you family is abusive, the healthiest decision may be to forgo the traditional celebration. This is difficult, but you have to make the decisions that are right for you. However, if you're just annoyed by your family it may be grin and bear it time. There are a lot of ways to deal with this situation - have a stress buddy that you can call at the end of the day to vent, rely on your significant other to keep you sane, and plan a little alone time throughout the day to keep a check on your sanity. As with the thankfulness piece, focusing on the positives of the day rather than dreading the tension can also make this holiday much easier to endure.<br /><br />I hope you can use some of these tips in your holiday celebration, if only to remind yourself to focus on giving thanks. May you and yours (whoever they may be) have a blessed holiday that truly encompasses the meaning of Thanksgiving.Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-30396407604312547402010-09-27T16:00:00.003-04:002010-09-27T16:33:06.460-04:00Our National Eating DisorderI recently finished reading Michael Polan's The Omnivore's Dilema (which was an amazing book), in which he talks about our "national eating disorder." No he's not saying that all Americans have Anorexia or Bulimia. What he is arguing is that we have lost touch with the food that we eat, to the point that we have begun eating "food like substances" rather than food. He seems to be saying that the more we have learned about food and food science the more unhealthy we have become. If you look at the statistics on this, it's hard to disagree. Our "knowledge" about food has grown exponentially over the past decade. I put that in quotes because, like Polan, I think we may have lost the real knowledge of food along the way. As a nation, we seem to have become so confused about which foods are healthy - milk? eggs? salmon? wild or farm raised? - that we've simply given up. Why bother trying to decide which meat we should have for dinner when it's much easier to grab a protein bar and some fruit flavored water. There's even a commercial for a fruit drink that makes eating an actual piece of fruit seem like the biggest hassel we have to endure during our day. At the same time, the rates of both obesity and harmful eating practices (restricting, bingeing, and purging) have exploded. Polan says that a big reason for this problem is that as Americans, we don't have the same kind of food geneaology as say native Italians or Greeks. Because this country was settled by so many different types of people, we didn't develop our own food culture with rules about how and what we ate. The goal became convenience. <br /><br />Now, whether you agree with that or not, Polan may be onto something with the idea of a national eating disorder. It seems to me that our relationship with food in this country has become extremely damaged. Don't believe me? Well then think about this - when was the last time you made a dinner in which a can opener was not an essential tool in the preparation? For that matter, when was the last time you made a dinner that didn't involve the microwave? We live in a world where convenience is the most important aspect of any product. Our children attend schools where chicken nuggets and french fries are standard fare and body fat measurements are a typical part of health class. Young girls are encouraged to both love their bodies (Dove) and get rid of that acne once and for all (Proactiv, Clearasil, etc). Magazines geared toward women, and increasingly toward men, show airbrushed models with abs of steel and flawless makeup on the cover and advertisements for chocolate, Lean Cuisine, and Hydroxycut on the inside. No wonder we're confused! The government tries to help by releasing guidelines for healthy living (mypyramid.org) that are more confusing than the magazines. What is the average person, without an advanced degree in nutrition and food science, supposed to do to navigate all of this information? Well, there are plenty of advertisers, fast food restaurants,and frozen food companies out there that would like to tell you.<br /><br />Food is no longer a personal experience, shared with family and friends. Food has become the enemy, and I see a slew of women in my office everyday who can attest to that. Is that what we want for the next generations? Think about some of your best memories, and I will bet a high percentage of them revolve around food of some sort - a Thanksgiving turkey, watermelon seed spitting contests, ice cream on a hot summer night, diving into that bag of Halloween candy. Is our obsession with what is scientifically healthy, robbing us of some of the joys of life? Is our fixation on what will be quickest and easiest keeping us from connecting to our families and friends? Now, I'm not advocating we go back to the days when girls spent their days learning to be "good" wives, getting lessons on cooking, sewing, and cleaning by working alongside their mothers, grandmothers, or nannies. I know that's not practical anymore, or even that desirable to most of us. But, what would be the harm of using a Saturday to make a meal from scratch, using real food, with all the fat? Having your son or daughter come into the kitchen with you to mix the batter for pancakes that you made with flour and sugar instead of a mix? Gathering around the dinner table to eat and talk about the day? Packing a lunch or dinner and heading to the park? Do these things take time? Sure, things that are worth it usually do. Will having an outdoor dinner with your family solve all the problems with food in our society? Of course not, but it may just give them the ammunition they need the next time they read an article, see a commercial, or hear an advertisement that tells them they aren't worth it. And that's worth more than all the hours in the world.Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-53263314046518928162010-07-19T20:13:00.004-04:002010-08-09T09:09:54.137-04:00The Secret of HappinessWe hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. - Thomas Jefferson <br /><br />If you're American, you know these words by heart almost from birth. It's the foundation upon which our country was built. But what do they mean? In particular, what is "the pursuit of happiness?" Pure scientists would have us believe that happiness is simply chemicals floating between neurons in our brain. New agers equate happiness with inner peace. Dictionary.com defines happiness as the state of being happy and then procedes to define happy using synonyms such as joyful, blissful, and exuberant. All well and good, but really, what is happiness?<br /><br />I watched a few movies recently that got me thinking about this question. One of them (which I truly don't recommend watching because the movie was pretty terrible)was True Confessions of a Shopaholic. In the opening scene, you see the main character as a little girl talking about how happiness became a shiny pair of shoes for her. The gist of the movie (spoiler alert) is that because she equates new things with happiness she finds herself in massive amounts of debt with plenty of things and having completely destroyed the most important relationships in her life. Which of course, this being Hollywood, leads to an epiphany on her part after which she completely mends her shopaholic ways and finds true love and friendship. Ah, if only life were that easy. <br /><br />The second movie I watched was Julie and Julia (which actually was pretty good)in which we meet Julie a woman on the brink of turning 30 who decides to find happiness by cooking her way through Julia Child's cookbook while writing a blog. Along the way (again spoiler coming) she comes to realize that it is not the act of cooking, or the even the food itself that creates happiness but the ability to spend time with friends sharing an experience.<br /><br />Thirdly, I watched a documentary called This Emotional Life (which was fantastic) that explored what science has found about how to create happiness in our lives. Ironically enough, the findings seem to point to the very premise of the first two movies: it is not things, deeds, adventures, or even money that make us happy - it's having people to share those things with. I know, Hollywood actually got something right for a change, although in a kind of unrealistic, sugar coated way. <br /><br />I was amazed to learn that research being done all over the world shows that relationships change our brain chemistry. The smile of your own newborn releases that same chemicals in a mother's brain that cocaine creates, which creates a euphoric feeling. And hearing laughter almost doubles the amount of chemicals. People who were shown pictures of people they love during a brain scan showed activity in the areas of the brain where positive emotions are regulated. There is also research being done on lottery winners and "the lottery curse." What this research is finding is that the people who adjust the best to winning large sums of money out of the blue, are those who have close relationships which remain stable after winning. Now, this research also found that people with more money tend to be happier than people with very little money and that lottery winners who actually change their status in life show the largest happiness gains. But again, these results changed if the winners lost their close relationships along the way, leading to very depressed, uber-rich people who made poor decisions about their winnings. It seems good relationships even lead to better decision making!<br /><br />The moral of this story - happiness is not a new pair of shoes, a journey through cooking, or a huge sum of money. Happiness truly is about who we have to share it with. <br /><br />"It's so much more friendly with two." - PigletKimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-56829502049523435292010-07-15T15:42:00.002-04:002010-07-15T15:59:10.488-04:00Review: Trauma and RecoveryI've recently been reading Judith Herman's classic book <em>Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence - From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror.</em> It has completely changed how I view the world of trauma as well as the therapist's role in healing the trauma. As a clinician, I hear of the struggle people have to move past the violence that has impacted their lives. I carry awful stories, but I didn't have to live those stories. My clients did. <br /><br />One of the most important and disturbing parts of Dr. Herman's book was how limited the research had been (and to some degree continues to be). The first half of this book explores the theory behind abuse and reviews the research that had been done up to 1992 when this book was first published. Like Herman, I was shocked to see how much of the literature focused on the characteristics of the victim of abuse, rather than on the perpetrator. Hotaling and Sugarman (1986) said it best: "The search for characteristics of women that contribute to their own victimization is futile . . . It is sometimes forgotten that men's violence is men's behavior. As such, it is not surprising that the more fruitful efforts to explain this behavior have focused on male characteristics. What is surprising is the enormous effort to explain male behavior by examining characteristics of women." This was among the many quotes, stories and insights this book provided that not only helped me but I believe would be so helpful to clients. Unfortunately, this book is inappropriate for clients in so many other ways. The stories it includes from survivors of trauma, which are so helpful for clinicians, could be truly damaging for someone in the midst of trying to find their own way through trauma. Also, the second half of the book, focused on the recovery process, while useful for clients is probably of most use to a clinician who would understand how to apply the concepts to each individual.<br /><br />So, I highly recommend this book for any clinician, whether you specialize in trauma or not. But I would urge extreme caution in recommending this book to a client. The insights a therapist could gain from this book are invaluable. You will learn something that will make you a better helper for your clients who have experienced trauma.Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-29642991658389691142010-06-17T13:31:00.003-04:002010-06-17T14:37:14.122-04:00Father Hunger: The Importance of the Father Daughter Relationship"Father hunger is a deep, persistent desire for emotional connection with the father that is experienced by all children." - Margo Maine, Ph.D.<br /><br />Any female can tell you that her father has had a huge impact on her life, either by presence or by absence. For those lucky enough to have a positive relationship with their dads, where they feel loved and respected, life is good. These girls go on to have healthy relationships with men later in life and have more self-confidence than girls who have a negative relationship with their fathers. And it's pretty easy to understand what can happen to girls whose fathers were verbally, physically, or sexually abusive. But what about the girls who grew up with a father who was physically present, but emotionally absent. These men tend to by highly educated with well paying, powerful jobs that take a lot of time. They probably attend their daughters' games, recitals, and practices but may spend more time on their Blackberries than watching their child. There is an appearance of involvement without the emotional connection. Their daughters probably achieve great things, but feel like it doesn't matter, like they are invisible. It's not that these dads don't care about their daughters. In all likelihood these fathers would be heartbroken if they knew their daughters felt this way. It is simply that they don't know how to interact with their daughters. So why does this happen?<br /><br />There are some seriously damaging myths about fatherhood in our society. Dads should be the breadwinner, they should be the decision makers, and they don't get emotional. Probably the most harmful to both dads and their children is that fathers aren't important as parents. This view is starting to change but it is still difficult for men to step up as fathers when they become the butt of jokes for doing it. Simple things, like the difficulty of finding a diaper bag that doesn't seem too feminine, contribute to this difficulty. Now, some of you may be thinking, who cares about the diaper bag and the reality is no one does really, but it is a subtle message from society that it is the woman's job to raise the child. And dads feel alienated, which leads to emotional withdrawal and eventually emotional absence. This is not okay - Fathers are important! Research has shown that girls with solid relationships with their fathers have a reduced chance of developing an eating disorder, less depression and anxiety, and are less likely to become involved in abusive relationships. This is too important to allow the distance to grow. <br /><br />Unfortunately, many men have difficulty connecting with their children on an emotional level because their dads didn't know how. It's no ones fault, we just aren't very good at teaching men about connecting with others. So, I'm guessing the men reading this might be thinking, "Great so I'm screwing up my daughter but I don't know how to do it differently." First, just the fact that you took the time to read this says you want to do it differently. And the reality is that a few simple steps (see blog on simple vs. easy) can make a huge difference in your daughter's life. So here's some ideas:<br /><br />1) If you're a new father, get involved with the care and feeding of your baby. Learn which diapers fit the best, which food your child prefers, and which stuffed animal is the favorite. This will start to build the emotional bond early in life. Think of this information as a map - the more you know the more detailed the map the better you'll see your child.<br /><br />2) If you have school aged children, attend parent teacher conferences, get in the rotation to take your child to school or pick her up. Use that time to talk to her and listen to what happened during her day. Learn the names of her teachers, friends, principal, friends parents, and the lunch lady for that matter. Does it take energy, absolutely. Is it worth it? You better believe it.<br /><br />3) Have special father-daughter days or activities. Pick a favorite restaurant, park, or movie and go together. Tell mom to back off - this is your special time with your daughter (and mom should have her own anyway).<br /><br />4) Know the names of your child's doctor, babysitter, and school and have these numbers programmed into your phone. <br /><br />5) And this is the most important - take five minutes out of each and every day to tell your daughter how much you love her and how special she is to you. She craves that recognition and you will love the look on her face when she gets it.<br /><br />As a father, you have the ability to change your daughter's life for the better. It will take work on your part, but it will be the best job you ever had.<br /><br />"Certain is it that there is no kind of affection so purely angelic as of a father to a daughter." - Joseph Addison<br /><br /><br /><br />Further Reading: Father Hunger: Father, Daughters, and the Pursuit of Thinness by Margo Maine, Ph.D.Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-70537770725897996372010-05-25T15:32:00.004-04:002010-06-07T12:01:38.037-04:00Mommy SurvivorSoon after Mother's Day I received an email from my cousin that made me laugh and then made me really sad. Here's the email and then I'll explain what I mean:<br /><br />THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES <br />Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks. Each kid will play two sports and take either music or dance classes. <br /><br />There is no fast food.<br /><br />Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money. In addition, each man will have to budget enough money for groceries each week. <br /><br />Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, <br />and send cards out on time--no emailing. <br /><br />Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment <br />and a haircut appointment.<br /><br />He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Emergency Room.<br /><br />He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a school function.<br /><br />Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside, and keeping it presentable at all times.<br /><br />The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. <br /><br />The men must:<br />shave their legs, <br />wear makeup daily,<br />adorn themselves with jewelry, <br />wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, <br />keep fingernails polished, and eyebrows groomed. <br /><br />During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, backaches, headaches, have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. <br /><br />They must attend weekly school meetings and church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.<br /><br />They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them, <br />dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7:30 am.<br /><br />A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size, doctor's name, the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear, and what they want to be when they grow up.<br /><br />The kids vote them off the island based on performance. <br /><br />The last man wins only if he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse <br />at a moment's notice.<br /><br /><br />Now, those women out there reading this will find this hillarious. Those men out there reading this are possibly somewhat offended. And thus begins the battle of the sexes as set up by society. The truth of the matter is that it has largely become the woman's job to take care of the emotional side of family relationships as well as the logistical side of family life. I know many men will say, well that's because I work, but the reality now is that women also work, often full time, outside of the family. And thus begins the battle of the sexes in couples therapy. It is happening more and more often that couples enter marriage therapy because the wife has simply collapsed under the enormous pressure of maintaining family life. This battle over whose "job" taking care of the family is has created a divide between men and women. Some women thrive in this type of environment. They spend their time planning family outings, making family meals, and attending school functions - it gives them energy. Other women attempt to do all of these things and feel like utter failures when they are exhausted by the end of the day. This is because we all have different talents and strengths. Notice I said different, not better. The truth of the matter is that if you're a mom and doing all of the things in this email makes you feel fulfilled and full of energy, that's great. The problem occurs when you're a mom and you feel completely drained and empty after doing all of these things. That means you need help and you will need a partner who supports that need for help, even if society doesn't. Otherwise, you and your partner will end of in my office, or divorce court. That's what makes the funny sad.Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-7090224730886077422010-04-14T11:43:00.002-04:002010-04-14T12:04:03.689-04:00Big BenAnyone who listens to the radio, watches TV, or reads the paper has probably heard about the issues surrounding Ben Roethlisberger, quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers, and the issues regarding a possible sexual assault he perpetrated on a young woman in Georgia. You probably have also heard that he will not be facing charges for this but that the NFL is considering some sanctions. On my drive to work this morning I heard a discussion of this very subject that made my blood run cold. The DJs on the station were discussing their views, a male and female thought Big Ben should be fired due to his public standing. The other male on the show was infuriated and believed that since no charges were being filed the NFL should not be involved at all. Several issues came up - the fact that this is actually the second time Roethlisberger has been accused of this type of crime, comparisons to Tiger Woods recent issues, and the idea that the young woman must be lying since the charges were dropped. This last piece is what made me so sad and scared for other women who may have experienced a sexual assault. What makes it even worse - it was put forth by a female caller to the station. There are so many myths about sexual assault in our culture that make it nearly impossible for a woman to feel able to report a crime and often leads to victim blaming and perpetrator worship.<br /><br />One of the most commonly put forth theory on women who accuse famous people of sexual assault is that these women are lying to get money from the superstar. Unfortunately, the media has made a huge deal out of the two or three cases like this in the past decade of so, leading people to believe that this is the norm rather than the exception. No woman, I repeat, NO woman would want to make something like this up if she knew what the consequences would be for her. Going through a sexual assault trial is akin to being reassaulted. You will have to tell the story of your assault multiple times with a defense lawyer questioning every detail that you provide, hoping you'll get confused about the details of what was most likely the most horrific experience of your life. If your case has made it to trial you have probably endured highly shaming examinations involving hair removal and pictures and met with dozens of police officers who may or may not have believed you. And heaven forbid there was any use of drugs or alcohol prior to your assault or that you may have had sexual contact with the perpetrator, or any other person, in the past. <br /><br />The reality of this is that women who are assaulted avoid pressing charges because they know what will happen to them. Seventy-five percent of the assaults that occur are perpetrated by someone the woman knows and most likely has been intimate with in the past. Alcohol is the most popular date-rape drug available. And officials estimate that approximately 85% of assaults go unreported. I constantly hear women who have never been assaulted say, "If someone did that to me, I would go after him with everything in my power." Unfortunately, these women usually don't understand the results of a sexual assault. They don't recognize that women who have been assaulted feel they have no power and that something they did most likely caused the assault to happen anyway. We as a society do not support the survivors of assaults by providing them safe places to make reports and then believing them when it happens. And when the case makes it to trial, we require that the victim revictimize herself in order for the perpetrator to most likely be found not guilty. I have spent years working with victims of sexual assault, trying to show them that making bad decisions does not allow someone to rape them. Rape is not a physical crime, so much as a destruction of another person's soul. And our society makes that okay when we label the victims as liars or sluts or drunks and celebrate their famous perpetrators.Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-31954783623652916452010-04-12T13:42:00.004-04:002010-04-12T14:24:43.642-04:00Making Peace with Women's BodiesAfter too long of an absence, one of my clients finally broke my writer's block. Unfortunately, this experience is so common among women there's no way confidentiality will even be threatened by my sharing this. My client expressed her deep seated fear that if she gained weight, people would no longer like her and would even abandon her. This idea was based on her observations that being thin is what leads to happiness. Some of you may be asking yourselves, "where could she have possibly gotten this ide." Some of you are nodding your heads in agreement because you too have seen the numerous ads for weight loss aids, diet foods, Lean Cuisine, and even chocolate that shows thin, happy people generally having a good time. Day in and day out, we are inundated with these types of ads from the time that we can watch TV. We are taught that some foods are "good" and that others, typically the ones people want to eat, are "bad." At the same time, any advertisement for food on TV involves a thin woman sensually enjoying whatever it is that she's eating and ravenously looking for more. Women are trapped. Food is both the enemy and the replacement for a sexual relationship. <br /><br />What if, instead of this confusing food landscape, we were raised on a planet where food was simply food, neither good nor bad and in no way a replacement for sex? Would women, and in reality men, have such a conflicted relationship with women's bodies? The surprise of this is that we do live on this planet - food is simply food, neither good nor bad. We can't have a relationship with food that will replace our intimate relationships with others. The difference is that we have commercials, magazines, and even some television shows that tell us otherwise. Maybe it's time to start listening to our own wisdom again. Maybe it's time our rational brains were invited back to the party. Instead of looking for comfort in that Snikcers bar or bag of Doritos, look for it in those people in your life that you can trust. Instead of trying to gain control of your hectic schedule with mac and cheese, try saying no to some of the things in your life that are actually creating the hectic schedule. Simple, right? Absolutely! Easy? Well, that's a different story. It takes constant mental aerobics for women and men to remind themselves what is real for a woman's body. Whether or not we use them for this purpose or not (which by the way, is the woman's choice), women's bodies are built to create and sustain life. That takes fat, hips, and breasts. It's time we started to remember that and stopped bombarding women and men with unrealistic images and ideas about bodies and food. Women really do come with curves, and those curves are beautiful, in whatever form they take. That should be respected, not derided.Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-38342040860994127812010-02-16T20:20:00.006-05:002010-02-16T21:14:04.215-05:00Mommy OlympicsI've been wondering lately what it is about being a mom that makes people feel the need to judge and ultimately belittle other moms. It is almost inevitable that if you put a group of moms together they will start judging and criticizing any other mom within viewing distance, including the ones on TV, in magazines, and in movies. There is a never ending tirade of can't win for trying-isms, I could do it better-isms, and what was she thinking-isms. The victims of this assault may be famous (Kate Gosslin or Octomom, which in itself is a horrendous name) or personal (your crazy cousin or the neighbor down the street who has the audacity to let her kids ride their big wheels helmet free). It doesn't matter what the offense is - it could be something as benign as not pureeing organically homegrown veggies rather than buying Gerber. Has the mentality of becoming "mother of the year" erased our reason? Shouldn't we be supporting one another rather than tearing each other down? In the process of preparing for my group for new moms, I'm reading a great book - The Mommy Myth by Susan J. Douglas and Meredith W. Michaels. This book focuses on how the media skews our views of motherhood and creates a "new momism" that is harmful to both stay at home moms and working moms and that probably keeps us from being our best selves in either locale. This excerpt from the from the introduction sums up motherhood as a competitive sport:<br /><br />"Intensive mothering is the ultimate female Olympics: We are all in powerful competition with each other, in constant danger of being trumped by the mom down the street, or in the magazine we're reading. The competition isn't just over who's a good mother - it's over who's the best. We compete with each other; we compete with ourselves. the best mothers always put their kids' needs before their own, period. The best moehters are the main caregivers. For the best mothers, their kids are the center of the universe. The mothers always smile. They always understand. They are never tired. They never lose their temper. They never say, "Go to the neighbor's house and play while Mommy has a beer." Their love for their children is boundless, unflagging, flawless, total. Mothers today cannot just respond to their kids' needs, they must predict them - and with the telepathic accuracy of Houdini. They must memorize verbatim the books of all the child-care experts and know which approaches are developmentally appropriate at different ages. They are supposed to treat their two-year-olds with "respect." If mothers screw up and fail to do this on any given day, they should apologize to their kids, because any misstep leads to permanent psychological and/or physical damage. Anyone who questions whether this is *the* necessary way to raise kids is an insensitive, ignorant brute. This is just common sense, right?"<br /><br />If you find yourself nodding your head in agreement rather than picking up on the sarcasm, you're missing the point. The point being, that the Olympic scale competition between moms keeps us from connecting to the best support we have - each other. Husbands try to understand (sometimes), our own moms have experienced similar things (to some degree), and our non-parent friends can sympathize (but not empathize). The Judgment Games keep moms from connecting with other moms in a meaningful way because they know what will happen if they show weakness - the other mom will win. Unfortunately, there are no medals for parenthood. We can't measure the greatness of a mom based on her ability to prepare a perfectly balanced, home cooked meal in 5 minutes or less. We can only look at her children and love they show her as they share fish sticks and mac & cheese out of a blue box, with no vegetable in sight. Moms aren't meant to be perfect; they're meant to be moms. As the Olympics wind up this year, maybe it's time to have closing ceremonies for the Mommy Olympics as well. Maybe we could actually enjoy our children if that happened.Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-19405149228048682682010-02-06T19:57:00.003-05:002010-02-06T20:08:42.371-05:00Ambiguous LossFor so many women pregnancy and delivery proceed as planned. They never have a need to read the section of the pregnancy book about c-sections and other complications. They never know the fear associated with a child being placed in NICU (Newborn ICU) and they never have to worry about later consequences. For other women, nothing quite goes as planned. There are unforeseen complications during pregnancy like gestational diabetes or high blood pressure. There are complications during delivery, like failure to progress and wrapped cords. And for some women there are complications after birth that result in days, weeks, and even months spent with a child in NICU. A difficult pregnancy and delivery, followed by feeding difficulties are the biggest predictors of Post-Partum Depression or "the baby blues." Even when the pregnancy is normal, 80% of women will experience at least some depressive symptoms following birth. Having experienced a difficult delivery myself, my heart broke when I learned that the woman who played matchmaker for my husband and me in high school had given birth nearly two months early. A few weeks ago, she was brave enough to share a few words about her experience. She discusses the idea of "ambiguous loss" in regards to premature birth. I have a feeling many women who had a less than perfect pregnancy and delivery can relate to her words and I felt they needed to be shared. Thank you Becky, for your strength in allowing me to share your story so that others may find some healing as well.<br /><br />"Hm, I just read an article on Prematurity.org regarding "ambiguous loss" in regards to premature birth, and it kind of made me ponder my feelings about Blake's premature birth. Of course the birth of any baby is a celebration of life, but when the birth involves a premature baby, the mother suffers the loss of her full pregnancy. And how exactly do you grieve the loss of something that can't be touched, can't be quantified, only felt, only imagined? No pregnant woman in this world plans to have a premature baby (unless of course her doctor has advised that the probability is high). I certainly wasn't and until it happens to you, you have no idea how you will feel afterwards. I have said to many different people that I felt I was robbed of a normal, healthy pregnancy and birth experience. I didn't get to hear my baby cry until a week after his birth because I was under full anesthesia and he was intubated. I didn't get to hold my baby right after he was born, and I was scared to even touch him for fear of disturbing him. Some mothers have been in similar situations, and others have it far worse. My heart goes out to all of them. Some of the small and simple things are the ones we all take for granted. Throughout our whole experience I have made the most of our birth experience, because it is ours and I have seen that no two are the same. It has been hard, I can't deny it. But every day I remind myself that it could be a lot worse...I have a beautiful, healthy baby boy and I am grateful for all the love and support our family has received and for the exceptional care Blake and I received at Women's Hospital. . It could have been better, for sure, but it could have been a whole lot worse...and I thank my lucky stars every day that it wasn't."Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-57001073658079432982010-01-28T11:20:00.004-05:002010-01-28T11:45:34.935-05:00MotherlandIn honor of the start of my new group for new moms. I wanted to take the next couple of weeks to talk about some issues that are central to the moms in our lives. The purpose of this new therapy group is to give moms a place to gather where they can talk about the adjustments they are having to make to being a new mom. Motherhood has so many meanings in our culture that it can be overwhelming trying to figure out where you fit in. What do you want your place as a mother to look like? As the mom of an amazing three year old, I can tell you that there have been times with my other mom friends and myself have all questioned out mothering abilities. Does the fact that my daughter refuses to wear her coat to go to the car make me a bad mom? Does the fact that my friend's son fell off the swing at the park while she was talking to another mom mean Child Protective Services is on the way? Of course not, but all of these small "failures" of mothering add up over time to one huge case of Mommy Guilt.<br /><br />No mother ever believes that she is good enough for her child. Some children are easier to deal with than others and make some moms look better in public than others. But I can guarantee that every mother on the planet knows the feeling of shame associated with the first time you actually raise your voice above that high-pitched twinkle we usually use with our children. And why? Is it because parents should never raise their voices towards their children? That's just not realistic. Is yelling the best way to deal with children? No, but sometimes it just happens. No matter how many imperfect moms grace our television sets (Rosanne, Marge, Kate) the ideal of Donna Reid still exists. There is some part of most moms that feels guilty for leaving their child at daycare while mom works or, heaven forbid, doesn't have to work and can do other things with her time, like clean the house, do the laundry, cook the dinners, and run the never ending list of errands that go into being a stay at home mom. This myth of the perfect mom who always has the right snacks hot out of the oven when the whole neighborhood of children arrives at her doorstep is perpetuated by every commercial, television show, and most movies. <br /><br />Why can't we as mother's cut ourselves a break? Maybe it should start with our own judgments of the parenting skills of others. That's right - I'm talking to you. We all do it. We see the 5 year old walking through the mall with a paci and think, "What kind of a mom . . ." Recently there was a news story featured on Yahoo where a mother of 6 planned her meals for an entire year. Were the comments at the end of the story impressed by her planning skills? No. Each and every comment made some sort of dig at either the food she had chosen to serve her family or the fact that she carried her child during the interview. Now, could her menu have been more healthy - absolutely. Was she serving anything to her family that I haven't fed to mine - nope. It's time to let go of our own guilt at not being the perfect mom, so that we can let other women be the best moms they can be. Perpetuating the myth that there is some magical right way to be a mom by putting other mothers down, comparing ourselves to the make believe moms in Walmart commercials, and denigrating our own skills is not only harmful to us, but harmful to our daughters who may one day grow up to be moms themselves. The next time someone tells you what a great mom you are - listen and then say thank you. You're a mom, you've earned a little credit. <br /><br /><br />Further reading: <em></em>The Mommy Myth: The Idealization of Motherhood and How It Has Undermined All Women<em></em> by Susan J. Douglas and Meredith W. MichaelsKimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-40282897116166416672009-12-31T14:30:00.002-05:002009-12-31T15:24:40.682-05:00We're Gonna Make a ResolutionSo it's that time of year again when everyone makes big plans for what they want to accomplish in the new year and then quickly ditch them for the easier, less stressful, more practical, or simply realistic way of life. That's right, it's time to make and then break those New Year's Resolutions. So why make a resolution if we know we're just going to break them? The number of answers to this abound - it gives us motivation, it sets a goal for the year, it helps us focus on ourselves for a change, etc. So then why do we break them within a few days of making them? The issue isn't that we don't try to stick to our pledge to never even look at a cigarette ad again or to finally lose those last 10 lbs. of baby weight. The issue is that because we feel so gung-ho to make changes in those first few days we often make the changes too big and too fast to stick. Think of it this way, if your goal is to add more fruits and vegetables to your diet that's great and healthy. But, if your a person who doesn't even know where they keep the fruits and veggies at the grocery store, this is going to be a huge challenge for you. You will most likely need to think about how to build up to your goal in steps rather than starting with your 5 fruits and veggies a day on January 1. So here are some tips for making and hopefully keeping your resolutions for more than a few days.<br /><br />* Make sure that your resolution is actually attainable. If your goal is to reach your healthy weight but you're over 100lbs overweight, you will most likely not reach this goal by year's end (regardless of what the Biggest Loser did) and then feel frustrated. So keep in mind what is really realistic to accomplish in the time period that you have.<br /><br />* In addition, if you're making a large goal for yourself, you will most likely need to break it down into smaller steps and set mini deadlines for those goals. For instance if you want to eat better decide what steps would be involved in that for you. Maybe the first step is to lay off the fast food, so set a goal to not eat fast food for 2 weeks. Your next step might be to eat leaner meat, so use the next 2 weeks to add chicken and fish to your diet. Keep making and meeting these small goals until you reach "better eating."<br /><br />* While we're talking about these small goals, it would be worth mentioning that the big goals probably need some defining. Our resolutions often tend to be broad sweeping statements like "I'm going to lose weight," "I'm going to eat better," "I'm going to do better with my money." But we never really decide what each of these things look like - how much weight do you want to lose, what does "eat better" look like, what does do "better" with money mean? Without a clear picture of what your goal really is you'll never be able to make the smaller steps or even really know if you've met your goal. <br /><br />* So, you've chosen an attainable resolution, clearly defined it in a measurable way, and set smaller goals if your resolution is too big to handle in a few days. Now what happens when life happens and you don't actually stick to those smaller steps? Well, nothing really. For a lot of people this is the end of the road and the attempts to make changes are over. They tell themselves, "I'll never be able to . . . " When really, all you need to do is just pick up where you left off. Did you fall off the cigarette wagon? That's fine, take an objective look at what happened that led to smoking and make a plan for if that happens again. Then toss those new cigarettes in the trash with the old ones and re-resolve to quit. <br /><br />* Now lets say that for some reason, you just cannot stick to your resolution. Maybe you need to look at whether you really want to do what you've chosen. Do you really believe that you should add more fiber to your diet? If not then maybe you chose the wrong thing to work on at this point. That's fine, sometimes we choose stuff because we think it sounds good or because our doctor/spouse/friends/kids think we should. Maybe your real desire is to save enough money to finally take that trip to Paris, not to exercise 3 times a week. That's great - DO IT!!! <br /><br />It's that time of year again - time to toast a new year and a new decade this time around, make grand plans for what we will do in the new year, and then quickly realize we don't care that much about vacuuming every weekend. The new year is a great time to think about the things in our lives that we want to change, but maybe it could also be a time to give ourselves credit for all the things we already "do right." Maybe instead of resolving to change yourself, you can resolve to reward yourself and give yourself some credit for the things you already do. Happy New Year and here's to a content 2010.Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-63993362578798164632009-12-07T13:11:00.006-05:002009-12-12T08:25:58.061-05:00ANXIETY!!!!On a recent flight, I sat beside one of the most anxious people I have ever been around. By the time we landed, I thought I was going to have a panic attack. Not only was she miserable for most of the flight, but she was rude to her husband and definitely didn't make my flight enjoyable. Now, I know some people are petrified of flying - some people are also scared of snakes, spiders, heights, or clowns. However, we also tend to do things to try to calm ourselves that only make the situation worse. Anxiety is an emotional response but it has very physical components. Often people feel short of breath, heart racing, palms sweating, shakiness, nausea, and light headedness. At the same time, what you often see people do when they start feeling anxious is to hold their breath, wring their hands, shake their legs, and squeeze their eyes closed as tightly as possible. The only thing these coping strategies will accomplish is to increase the anxiety you are experiencing. So in honor of the most anxious woman in the air - and in hopes of saving myself from another uncomfortable plane ride - here are some tips and tricks for decreasing anxiety. You never know, they might come in handy battling all the holiday shoppers.<br /><br />1. BREATH!! For goodness sakes, take a breath already. It is amazing how often I see someone who is feeling anxious holding their breath or taking very shallow breaths. When you're trying to decrease your anxiety, you want to take a breath so deep that your stomach expands. Two or three breaths like this and you should start to feel less anxious. Warning - don't do it too much or you'll make yourself hyperventilate. Think back to the advice your high school teacher gave before your presentation - take two cleansing breaths. That's really all this is. Some people like to incorporate imagery and imagine they are blowing out their anxiety when they exhale. Some people think that's cheesy - but laughter reduces anxiety too so cheese it up.<br /><br />2. Sit still! All that jittering, jumping, and shaking plays right into the anxiety. Some people say that it releases energy, but if you really think about the action of shaking your leg, for instance, it takes a great deal of muscle tension to move your leg that fast. Muscle tension is a common symptom of anxiety, so doing something that will make you tense and will only increase your anxiety.<br /><br />3. Live in the present. A lot of the reason people experience anxiety is because they get stuck in the what ifs of the future. I'm sure the woman on the plane was imagining the fireball she would become when the plane crashed. A good technique for being mindful of your current situation is to literally think only about the things your are currently experiencing - feel the furniture you're sitting on, what do you smell, hear, in some cases taste. Combine this with the breathing and you're on your way to relaxation.<br /><br />4. Do not self medicate with alcohol or other drugs. One way to make anxiety worse the next time you have it is to avoid whatever it is that's making you anxious now. So, if like my plane ride partner, you are afraid of flying the best way to guarantee a stronger anxiety response the next time you have to fly is to avoid this flight. Drinking and taking drugs is a way to avoid. It numbs your feelings and keeps you from being fully present. Your anxiety might be higher the first time you try this exposure but it will go down over time - and you won't be broke from buying those little airplane bottles.<br /><br />5. Lay off the caffeine. Caffeine is a stimulant. That means that it will mimic the things that are going to happen in your body when you're anxious, especially if you don't usually drink caffeine. <br /><br />Now, if you are one of those people who has extreme anxiety that interferes with your ability to live your life, for example, keeping you from going to work, spending time with friends, or taking care of yourself on a daily basis, then you need to see a therapist. These tips will help you a little, but you'll need much longer exposures to the things that make you anxious and will probably need to learn about how your anxiety came to exist to start with. You will also need more intensive forms of relaxation. You may also need medication in order to manage your anxiety, which should be monitored by a psychiatrist in conjunction with therapy. I hope these tips can help you the next time you have some event that makes you feel nervous. And please, if you're going to be on the same flight as me - take a breath already!Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-81199033465628607892009-12-03T21:20:00.002-05:002009-12-03T21:59:03.619-05:00Attacking the Science of PsychologyOn October 2, 2009 a Newsweek article caught my attention that I just can't stop thinking about. Granted, I am a few weeks behind in my reading so I really just read this about 2 weeks ago, but that's beside the point. In this particular artical (Ignoring the Evidence) Sharon Begley makes the assertion that therapists do not understand nor use evidence based treatments in their practice. She also asserted that Clinical Psychology programs did not teach students how to be consumers of the literature. In addition, she implies that cognitive and behavioral techniques are the only interventions that can work in therapy. By the time I finished this article, I was incensed. Since that time, I have been ruminating about her article and decided to take some of my own advice and journal (or in this case blog) about it.<br /><br />I think the main reason this article made me as angry as it did was that it only perpetuates the feelings that are already out there among people considering therapy. They've seen every episode of Law and Order where the therapist is sleeping with her clients and killing their spouses. They've seen all the news stories that talk about rebirthing "therapy." All Ms. Begley, who, by the way, does not hold a degree in psychology, did with her article was create yet another stereotype. This is the therapist who despite the science, continues to use treatments that do not and will not work. Along with this stereotype, Begley also seems to be saying that psychology consists mainly of hocus pocus and maybe a little bit of luck.<br /><br />To me, this was an extremely dangerous article that had the potential to dissuade someone on the fence about therapy from getting the help they need. Of course, as in every profession, there are some therapists who don't know what they're doing or who use interventions that harm rather than help their clients. Contrary to what Begley would have us believe, this is not the norm. Here are the facts about therapists and their training in research. Every doctoral level therapist has completed at least two courses in research design and statistics, most have three. They also have to complete a research project in which they either conduct their own original research or use the research of others to propose a new theory. If there therapist graduated from an accredited program, they also learned to consume the research of others and apply it to the work that they do. And what of Begley's assertion that cognitive and behavioral therapy is the only therapy supported by research. That is blatantly not true. In reality, the bulk of the research shows that the strength of the relationship with your therapist is what really determines outcome, not which technique said therapist uses. Does this mean that if you have a good relationship with your therapist that any technique will work? Absolutely not, and I don't know a therapist who would make this assertion. Every therapist knows that some techniques work better for some problems than others. For instance, if you are going to therapy in order to conquer your fear of flying and your therapist is analyzing your relationship with your father, you may want to find a new therapist. Sure, any therapist worth their salt will learn something about your family history in the first few sessions. But that therapist will also know that the best way to treat fears is to expose the person to the feared object or situation and help them reduce their anxiety.<br /><br />It is always important for a profession to take a critical look at its shortcomings. This is especially true in psychology where others put their trust in you at their most vulnerable. However, false allegations only hurt those who truly need the help that therapy can offer when done well. If you are in therapy now and feel that your therapist is practicing below an acceptable level, then you should find a new therapist. You should also express your concerns to whoever oversees the licensing process in your state. It is their job to protect the public and ensure a standard of care. If you ever have questions about what your therapist is asking you to do, voice them. Regardless of how good your therapist is, you will only get out of the therapy what you put into it. Oh, and if your therapist starts talking about rebirthing - run.Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-14281647019129116992009-11-18T20:27:00.004-05:002009-12-03T22:38:48.373-05:00Putting the Thanks back in ThanksgivingAccording to the popular history of America, the first Thanksgiving was celebrated with the Pilgrims and Native Americans in honor of the collaboration and new friendship between the two groups. It was time to give thanks for not dying during the first hard years in the New World and to honor the Native Americans who taught the newcomers how to live in this new world. Over the years Thanksgiving grew into a national holiday devoted to remembering the blessings of the past year. <br /><br />Unfortunately, for a lot of Americans it has also become a time of extreme stress. Many people find the tension of a large family gathering difficult because of unhealed wounds. Many people feel pressured to present the "perfect" picture of Norman Rockwell happiness with perfectly carved turkey, homemade sides, and amazing desserts all displayed alongside perfectly manicured children who haven't destroyed their special clothes for the occasion. This image is exploited by the advertising company in hopes of pressuring a few bucks out of those desperately searching for perfection at the holiday. <br /><br />Between trying to balance family tensions and the pressure of creating the best meal yet, the true meaning of Thanksgiving can get lost. Now, I'm going to make a kind of extreme statement here, but I think it's accurate. I think this loss of meaning for a holiday focused on blessings is a symptom of a greater problem in our society right now. For years, the western hemisphere has become obsessed with image and acquiring the newest and best. In this kind of environment, we have forgotten to look at the things we have and to live in the moment. This focus on the future and inability to find contentment in the moment leads to feelings of worthlessness at not being able to keep up with the Joneses, feelings of helplessness when factors out of your control (can anyone say economy) wreak havoc on your finances, worries about how you're going to maintain the standard you have set for yourself, and a desparate search for something to numb the pain. <br /><br />It is easy to see the descriptions of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and eating disorders in the previous paragraph. New research also shows some interesting connections between thankfulness and decreased depression and anxiety. One study found that participants who wrote down three things they were thankful for each day for three weeks saw an improvement in depressive symptoms for SIX months. Something as simple as being thankful decreased depression to a significant level. <br /><br />So in honor of Thanksgiving, here are some ideas about bringing some of the true nature of the holiday into your holiday. In short, putting the Thanks back into Thanksgiving and getting rid of some of the stress, pressure, and family drama out.<br /><br />1) Prior to the chaos of preparing the meal, tkae time to think about what you truly want people to feel while enjoying the products of your work. If you are honest with yourself, you probably want to impart a feeling of love and caring in your family as they enjoy each other's company.<br /><br />2) While preparing your meal, remember times from the past that were happy or made the holiday so special for you. Whether you're cooking the traditional meal or bringing home Boston Market, focusing on you true purposes behind these preparations will help take some of the pressure off creating the perfect meal.<br /><br />3) For that matter, get everyone involved in making the meal together. Rather than making the entire meal on your own, invite your family into the kitchen with you to share in the process of creating a meal together. Or, just have everyone bring a side dish. It will give you more time to relax before the family descends and leave you with a lot less clean up.<br /><br />4) Whether or not your family prays prior to the meal, you may want to try to incorporate a way to share what you are thankful for just before the meal. It is nice to stand in a circle, hold hands with your loved ones, and give thanks for your blessings.<br /><br />5) After the meal participate in something that has the family interact. If you all love football, by all means watch the game together. But, if that's not your thing break out the board games, go for a walk, or simply sit by the fire (hopefully it's cold enough for that). <br /><br />These are just a few ideas to get you thinking about what this special time of year should really be about. I have a feeling that there may be a move back to the roots of Thanksgiving, simply because the financial hardships many are facing make it impossible to create the extravagant feasts that may have been a part of the past. Even in these tough times, the people who survive and even prosper are not necessarily the richest. Our lives are not about the things that we accumulate but about the times we spend with those who lift us up and bring us peace. I hope that you and yours are able to reconnect with the true thanks giving that this holiday is all about. Happy Thanksgiving.Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-49163852697873386412009-11-10T09:24:00.005-05:002009-11-16T14:54:15.637-05:00Simple vs. EasyI had a client say to me recently, "Just because it's simple doesn't mean that it's easy." This hit me as such a profound statement. I think it's probably something we are all aware of on some level, but never actually verbalize. Some of you reading this might be thinking, "Wait a second, I learned about synonyms in elementary school and simple and easy definitely have the same meaning. So I got a little curious and looked up the definitions of each word.<br /><br />Let's start with simple. Dictionary.com provides 29 definitions for this seemingly simple word. For our purposes the two best definitions are "not complicated" and "easy to understand, deal with, use." To me this implies something that has minimal steps and can be explained in about 3 words. Comparatively, easy had much fewer definitions, with a grand total of 17. Again, two stand out as the best for psychological purposes, 1)not hard or difficult, requiring no great labor or effort and 2)free from pain, discomfort, worry, or care. So, while we may have learned that simple and easy were synonyms in elementary school, when we really look at the meanings, simple seems to refer to the plan or the steps involved in a process while easy applies more to the effort required to carry out the plan.<br /><br />OK, so now that we've had our grammar lesson for the day, what could this possibly have to do with psychology? It comes back to my client's observation that while something may be simple, it most certainly will not be easy. This seems to be an innate understanding that anyone who has ever had therapy has. Anyone who has sat with their therapist discussing their depression will at some point express shame or guilt about not being able to follow through on the steps they know are necessary to feel better. And for the most part they are not difficult steps. The steps tend to be along the lines of get out of bed every morning, take a shower, eat breakfast, and participate in one activity that you enjoy. Simple? Yes. Ease? No. Being depressed is similar to having the worst flu you've ever experienced except no one seems to believe that you're really sick. Can you imagine having the flu and getting the message from loved ones that you are weak because you became sick?<br /><br />The same thing occurs for almost every psychological concern. Friends and loved ones become frustrated with the person who is depressed or anxious or addicted because they can't seem to follow the simple steps to recovery. It is similar to people who blame battered women for staying in abusive relationships. While the steps are simply - pack your bags, grab your kids, and run like hell - they are far from easy. Wouldn't it be more useful to help the person discover what keeps them from taking the steps, rather than to blame them for not making it look easy? Sometimes it is necessary to understand the system that keeps the simple steps from being easy. Nothing in life is easy; anyone who has walked out their door recognizes that. However, when it comes to psychological issues, the shame and guilt attached to messages that recovery should be easy keep people stuck. <br /><br />So,the next time you're tempted to tell your friend how easy it would be for her to just dump her scummy boyfriend or to tell you dad that if he would just leave the house he wouldn't feel so depressed, think about the message you're really sending. You're probably confusing something that is simple with something that will never be easy. Maybe a better way to show your love, caring, and support would be to sit with your friend or your dad and listen, cry, or just hold her/his hand. What could be easier?Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-92011851205566982702009-11-04T14:45:00.006-05:002009-11-04T21:14:56.691-05:00Much Ado about HappinessThis may be the most often made statement in therapy - "I just want to be happy." It's amazing to me how often the person making this statement cannot answer the logical follow up question - "Well, what do you think would make you happy?" Don't get me wrong, I don't think they necessarily have to have a full, complete, detailed plan, but some idea of what happiness would look like would be helpful. What started me thinking about this common issue was an article from the October 5, 2009 issue of Newsweek. In that issue, Julia Baird wrote an article entitled "Positively Downbeat: Sometimes happiness isn't everything." The basic gist of the article was that we spend so much time trying to reach this goal of "being happy" that we forget to enjoy the process. I think she has a point. <br /><br />I'm sure that you, just like me, have received the relentless message from your parents, your friends, your siblings, even exes that "we just want you to be happy." And for the most part, we find this message comforting. It expresses unconditional love, in that no matter what you are doing as long as you're happy I'll be supportive. However, it can also be used as a weapon when someone disagrees with your actions, i.e. "The only reason I'm telling you that your boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad person is because I want you to be happy." or "The only reason I'm discouraging you from pursuing your dream of being a chef/artist/psychologist/fill in the blank is because I want you to be happy." Am I discrediting the intent behind these words - absolutely not. Am I questioning the impact they have on the people who receive them - you bet I am. Humans are innately social creatures. We make determinations about our lives based on the reactions that we receive from other people. If you are surrounded by healthy people, who are completely unselfish in their intents, and will always think of your well being first, that's a great way to be. However, if even one person that you trust and depend on employs the "I just want you to be happy" excuse to stamp on your desires and dreams, then you have a problem. Done over a repeated amount of time, in many different situations, the message becomes "You will not be happy until you agree with me." Which in turn leaves you unable to decide what happy is for you. <br /><br />In addition to these messages that most of us have gotten since birth, we are also living in a society where positive thinking has become the gold standard. Books, talk show hosts, even morning DJs encourage people to think positive in situations that in truth deserve, if not outrage, at least frustration. We are encouraged to ignore the unfair, unjust events that happen in our lives, in the pursuit of happiness. Friends try to convince us that "everything happens for a reason" and "it will all turn out for the best." In all honesty, I've probably said these things myself when at a complete loss for words in the face of a loved one's pain. Now, I'm not endorsing that you dwell on every negative event that has ever happened in your life. I am, however, endorsing that you allow yourself to experience the emotions that come along with these hard events. When we attempt to block our emotions, we usually end up blocking anger, sadness, guilt, and shame. Unfortunately, we usually end up blocking happiness, joy, peace, and contentment too.<br /><br />So, the next time someone tells you "I just want you to be happy," remember that your happiness may not match their picture of happiness. Use the tragedies of your life to learn about your strengths. I'm not saying that happiness does not exist, just that the paths we are currently taking to get there may actually lead to depression related to not understanding ourselves, anxiety over our abilities to be happy, or guilt about our inability to be happy. On our way to happiness, we may be missing laughter, joy, hilarity, and moments of grace. Many of us would be able to agree that the Dali Lama is a model for happiness - the secret to his happiness and probably to ours, is an open heart and mind to what is happening in the moment. Rather than a continuous focus on some vague happiness in the future, become mindful of the happiness that is occurring now.Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7424984963558790066.post-47979823482809078832009-10-26T13:31:00.005-04:002009-10-27T13:30:51.645-04:00How do you become a therapist anyway?After "Do you think I'm crazy?" this may be the most asked question I get. Since starting my training to become a Psychologist, I have come to learn that people have no idea what it takes to get the required training to be licensed as a Psychologist. I've also learned that this is partially because every state requires something a little bit different, but there are commonalities. So if you want to be a therapist, or are just curious about how your therapist got to where they are these are the typical steps.<br /><br />1) Get a college degree. Seems pretty obvious right. I think most people believe that you have to have majored in psychology as an undergrad in order to become a psychologist. For most graduate schools (yes, I said more school), this isn't a requirement although it might be recommended and is definitely the easiest path. But, if you didn't major in psychology that does not mean that you can't attain your dream of being the therapist of the century. It just means you'll have to take a few extra classes to meet the requirements of whichever graduate program you choose. Which brings us to my next point.<br /><br />2) Get a graduate degree in psychology, either Clinical or Counseling Psychology will be your best bets. Now, you do not have to obtain a Doctorate (Ph.D. or Psy.D.) to do therapy but in order to call yourself a Psychologist in 5-10 years (yes, I said 5-10 years) you will need either a Ph.D. or Psy.D. and most likely from an APA accredited program. Most of these programs are full time, in residence programs, meaning that you have to attend class just like in undergrad and actually live within driving distance of your program. Most of these programs will take anywhere from 5 - 10 years depending on their requirements and how long it takes you to write your dissertation or its equivalent. It is always an option to stop with your master's in psychology but that will limit your options for a career later.<br /><br />3) COMPS!!! During grad school you will have to complete several steps before your program will let you go on internship (yes, there are more things after classes are over). One of the more difficult steps is passing your program's comprehensive evaulation, better known as comps. Depending on your program, this ordeal can range from four days of written exams on every topic known to psychology to a case presentation and defense. Regardless, if you don't pass you will not be allowed to apply to internship programs and in some cases may have to wait an entire year before you are able to retry.<br /><br />4) Get an internship. Now, assuming you have passed comps and achieved an acceptable GPA, the Director of Training (DOT) at your program will approve you to apply for internship. Basically, the process goes something like this - you choose about 20 sites that you think you would like to apply to; your DOT approves your list; you complete essays, cover letters, and supplemental materials for each site; you mail your applications prior to the deadline; the sites review your application and decide whether or not they will offer you an interview; after interviews are offered you decide which interviews to go on (all that are offered most likely) and book plane tickets, hotels, etc for the trips; you buy a nice suit that doesn't look too flashy but stands out to just the level; you interview at 10 of your sites in a 2 week time span; and finally after all of your interviews are completed you rank the sites where you interviewed. Now, this is where it get complicated (yes, that laundry list above was the easy part). As you were doing all of those stesp just listed, each site was doing basically the same process and also submitting a ranking list. This means that the way you get an internship is determined by how you ranked each site and how you were ranked by each site. Hopefully it all works out and you're "matched" the first time around, but sometimes it doesn't and you have to take another year and go through the process again. Sometimes that's just how it works - that's life.<br /><br />5) Defend your dissertation. So finally all of that is done, you've passed comps you're either on your way to internship or somewhere along in that process. It's time to get that dissertation or your program's equivalent taken care of. Depending on your program, this will be a document somewhere between 30 and 200 pages in which you either review someone else's research or complete your own unique study. After you create the document, you will do about a hundred revisions before finally being able to "defend," which is a fancy way of saying presnt your research to a group of people. No matter how your graduate program does this requirement, you have to finish this before you can get your degree. And, if you don't finish it before you leave internship and start working, you'll be working as a master's level clinician with the commisserate pay scale plus paying tuition to your school in order to stay enrolled and complete the dissertation. Point being - finish this step BEFORE you finish your internship! I promise you, you will not want to miss the chance to walk across that stage at graduation.<br /><br />6) Graduate!!! Congrats Dr., you made it. This is a day to celebrate your accomplishments, take loads of pictures, and tell everyone (yes, including your mom) that they must call you Dr. from now on. Cherish this moment, you will have enough to worry about when you start to try to get licensed.<br /><br />As you can see, becoming a therapist takes a lot of time, committment and sacrifice. Each of these 6 steps could have been a full blog unto themselves. Unfortunately, just because you graduate and get your degree does not mean that you will be considered a "Licensed Psychologist" in most states. In order to do that you will have to complete another 1500-2500 hours of supervised experience, pass one incredibly hard nattional exam (the EPPP), and in most states pass at least one more state exam. In the process, you will meet people who make comments about how your job can't be that difficult, all you have to do is listen. You will also meet amazing people whose lives will change because they know you and work with you. As with everything in life, you take the good with the bad, the sour with the sweet. Then if you, yourself have become a therapist, you realize that you are blessed with one of the greatest jobs. Everyday people give you the gift of their trust and believe that you have something to offer them. To me, that's more good than all the bad it takes to get through 6 steps.Kimberley L. Benton, Psy.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04100698525157528484noreply@blogger.com0